Spiritual Lessons

... Warning!  This post is super long...

I think more than anything else, the thing that sticks out to me these past few weeks is how I’ve grown spiritually and been so aware of how God is working in my life.  Every day I am seeing more and more how applicable the gospel is in my life, and I am seeing Scripture relate to my life in a whole new way.  I feel like every Bible verse, every song, can relate to my life in a way that I’ve never felt before and I’m learning so much.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt closer to God, ever felt his love and presence more real, or ever had such unshakeable trust and faith in Him.

Here is a collection of thoughts and lessons I’ve been learning:

A few weeks ago I read a devotion that really hit home.  It was talking about fear and said that when we fear we are basically saying that God can’t be trusted.  Although I think fear is a natural reaction in humans, we don’t have to live in fear.  While reading this devotional I realized that I was living in fear and therefore not trusting God.  There are so many things for me to be afraid of… fear that I can’t do all the work I have to do, fear that I will be alone and won’t make friends, fear that I am not a good enough teacher, fear that I will lose relationships back home, etc.  But I know that God has brought me here and he is trustworthy.  If he has called me to be an art teacher here he will help me do all the work I need to do and be a good teacher.  And if he called me to this community he will provide for my need for friendships.  And if he has called me here for a year or more, I don’t need to worry about my future and future relationships… he will take care of that too when the time comes.  When I think about each fear I have and trust that God will provide for me in that area, I no longer need to be afraid.  I know that God is trustworthy and that he will always provide and take care of me.  He is enough.

There are days here that I feel like I am in the deep end, up to my chin in water and about to drown.  I feel overwhelmed by homesickness, loneliness, and the unfamiliar.  I miss people deeply, I don’t know how to handle some things in my classes, and I just want to curl up in ball and be held.  I feel like I have all I can do to stay above water and I can’t handle one more thing.  (Don’t worry, all days are not like this… only some).  On those days it is hard to see outside myself and to help others who may be close to drowning as well.  It is hard for me to sympathize with others and care about their needs because I am so consumed with my own basic needs – need for community, love, and belonging.  Relating to this image of drowning, I was recently reminded of when Peter walked on the water.  When he saw the wind coming he doubted, was afraid and began to sink.  But if he had kept his eyes on Jesus and trusted in him he would not have sunk.  Although there are many things to fear and I can feel like I am sinking, if I keep my eyes on Jesus and trust in him I can rise above those fears and keep moving forward closer to Jesus.

I’ve also been thinking about how I am a broken vessel.  I am not perfect and can’t do everything perfectly right and good.  But someone reminded me that it is because of our brokenness that people see Jesus.  When people are strong in their own strength no one can see through to what’s inside.  But when we are broken, broken vessels, people can see Christ in us through the cracks in our clay.  It is through our brokenness that others can see Christ working in and through us.  In the New Testament we do not see Christ in the ‘perfect’ Pharisees, we see him transform the tax collector, heal the blind, and love the orphan and widow.  It is not in our perfection and having it all together that Christ is seen, but it is when we admit we need him to help us become who he wants us to be.

I am learning to trust in God more than ever before.  I am learning that God is so trustworthy and faithful.  I am learning that the only place I could ever be content is in the will of God.  Although sometimes it is hard here, I know that I would not want to be anywhere else.  If I was somewhere easier but knew that God had not called me there I would be miserable.  As hard as some days may be, I would not trade them for anything because I am growing closer to God, having to rely on God, and there is nothing I would rather have than a deeper relationship with him.  I can rest and be content because I know I am where God wants me to be.

Sometimes I fear about my future… what will I do next year, will I still have friends at home or will we have lost touch, etc. but in a sermon I recently heard, the pastor said, “Trust God for your future; obey today.”  That was so good for me to hear.  I need to live one day at a time, obeying God and trusting him each day, and leave my future up to him.  He is already there, he already knows my path and will let me know when the time is right.  He will provide when the time comes.  In another Amy Carmichael devotional she talks about how we don’t live by electric lights that show us the whole road.  We live by lanterns that only give us enough light so that we can see our next step… not five steps ahead. 

Another thought I had, that was inspired by a devotional someone gave, was that at the Global English School we are one body made up of many parts.  All the teachers here are so different, so unique.  No two people on staff here are the same at all.  At first that was hard for me because I wanted to find someone like myself to be my best friend.  But I realized that we are all so different and that is a good thing.  We can still be friends even if we are different and we all have different gifts to bring to the table.  Sometimes I wish that I was an eye like my friend or an arm like someone else, but I have a specific part to play just like everyone else and we can’t all be the same.  Another cool thing about that is that because we are all different, we all show Christ in different ways.  The kids that come to our school get to see so many different aspects of Christ because we all show him in a different way.

Another devotional that someone gave related to the story of the feeding of the five thousand.  The disciples started out with a few fish and loaves of bread but it fed thousands.  Often I feel like I have so little to give.  Who am I to teach these kids art and show them Christ?  But God can take my meager offering, what little I have to give, and make it enough.  He can feed these kids with the little I can give them and make it enough even though I feel so inadequate!  What a relief!

I have given up wearing makeup to church.  Not because of some religious principle but because every time I go to church I end up crying during the songs, so rather than have mascara running down my face every week I just don’t put it on.  The first few weeks I was probably crying because I was homesick but recently I have cried because I am so amazed at God.  A few weeks ago we sang Holy, Holy, Holy at church and I wrote this down, “Today at church we sang Holy, Holy, Holy.  I love hymns – their depth and theology.  I like worship choruses too but those often are about God and a hymn is usually to God.  I get to be like the angels around God’s throne who are constantly singing Holy, Holy, Holy!  I closed my eyes and started crying as I listened to the congregation lift their voices in this song.  It was so beautiful to think about this congregation – a group of people God has called from all over the world to gather in Thailand and proclaim his holiness and love to the people around us.  Here was this group of people gathered together in the midst of Thai’s and Buddhism all lifting our voices in beautiful sound, praising God and declaring his holiness.  It was beautiful – it’s hard to even describe.”

The next week we sang In Christ Alone, and the words resonated with my spirit in a whole new way.  “In Christ alone, my hope is found.  He is my light, my strength, my song.  This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.  What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease.  My comforter, my all in all, here in the love of Christ I stand…”  These words have never been more true for me.  God has been my solid ground these past few weeks when nothing else is.  Everything around me has shifted and changed except for God who is the solid rock I stand on.  Even through this tumultuous storm he has held fast and firm.  He has shown me his love in new ways and the peace he has given me on my most anxious days is truly supernatural.  He has stilled my fears and calmed my useless striving.  He has comforted me over and over again when I felt alone and afraid and anxious and has helped me through this time in more ways than I could ever count.

I’ve also been thinking about our calling to be like Christ.  Often we think that means to take up our crosses and follow him and die to ourselves.  Recently I’ve been thinking about the incarnation.  Jesus left heaven (his home and place of comfort) to come to earth and die so that others may know God and live.  In a similar way (not that I am Christ or saying this to make myself sound righteous) but I also have left my haven and comfort of home and gone to live somewhere foreign to me to show others God so that they may live.  Jesus was representing God in the flesh and he calls each Christian to do the same – to be a physical representation of God.  I am not saying that everyone must move, but to remember that wherever God has called you to be, we are there to show others God.  We must be willing to give up our comfortable easy lives so that others may know God.

I’ve been learning that God’s will is not always easy.   I used to have the idea that if I was doing God’s will I would enjoy it (why would he call me to do something that is hard and I don’t like?  Doesn’t God want me to be happy?).  In another Amy Carmichael devotional she wrote on this topic and reminded me that Jesus did the will of God and it cost him blood – it cost him is life.  I’m sure dying on the cross was not enjoyable or easy, but painful and extremely difficult.  But it did so much good – it saved so many others.  Doing the will of God is not always easy and fun but we can have something better than cheap happiness.  We can have deep contentment knowing that we are where God has called us to be and he is using us for a greater good.  His grace is enough for our journey.

I have been reading The Hobbit since I got to Thailand and I have been enjoying it so much.  I read a little bit before I fall asleep at night and read it on the weekends to relax. I think I like it so much because I feel very much like Bilbo Baggins.  Bilbo was not really one for adventure.  He liked the comfort of his home (the Shire), sitting by the fire with a book and a cup of tea.  But Bilbo was sent on an adventure full of danger and dark forests and unknowns and throughout the book there are times when all he wishes is to be back in the Shire.  I am very much like Bilbo.  I am such a homebody.  I love to be home with my family, cuddled up on the couch under a blanket, a fire in the fire place, a book in my hand and a cup of tea nearby.  But I too have been sent on an adventure through dark forests and full of many unknowns.  There are times when I long to be back in my Shire.  But I am beginning to realize and accept that my Shire is not the North Shore or Rochester.  My Shire needs to be wherever God has called me to be.  My home can no longer be a physical location, although in each new place I go it is nice when I finally feel settled and ‘at home’.  But no matter what, my home needs to be in God.  He is my only constant and wherever he calls me must become my new Shire. 

I’ve also been reading through Deuteronomy and that has been so meaningful but I’ll save that for another post… this one is super long already J